As an introvert, I do a lot of listening. However, I have noticed that when I am in a group and think I am listening, quite often I have tuned out and am lost in my own thoughts. That doesn’t happen as often when I am with one person, sharing in conversation.
Clearly there are times when I am with someone who is a “talker,” and our conversation is mostly a monologue. This need to talk comes either from being alone most of the time or from not being listened to by anyone. So, when I care about someone, I simply listen as they rattle on. Pretty soon however, the pace slows down and the content of the conversation takes on substance and if we are lucky a true conversation can begin. If it doesn’t, then at least the other person who needed to be heard got a chance.
There are other conversations that we can have that we might call discussions. In these two or more people tackle a subject, tear it apart, analyze it, chew it up and finally spit it out. The whole idea is to analyze the subject, look for answers, agreements, or results. These discussions can be extremely stimulating.
Then, there is what we call a dialogue. You might think that discussion and dialogue are the same thing but in truth, dialogue happens in a unique way. The meaning of the word dialogue is “words flowing through.” This is vastly different from discussion. Here we have a completely open-ended exploration where all parties enter with the spirit of inquiry. A discussion is something that arises out of the intellect and a dialogue comes straight from the heart.
We can see the difference quite easily if we look at how we might approach a conversation about a truly “difficult” subject, one that has many emotional triggers for the people involved. If this is the case, discussion would build walls between them, when dialogue offers the hope of true understanding.
Listening to another is, for most, a learned skill. Listening and truly hearing can be the most valuable gift we can give another. Listening involves letting go of the need to speak, the need to counter, the need to give advice and to simply open and receive what another needs to say to us. In requires that we become still and open to receive. We suspend our judgments and assumptions and listen to understand rather than agree.
Deanne Quarrie, D. Min.
